Wednesday, 9 November 2011

14 steps to follow before you decide to have children!!!!


Most people will tell you that 'it' is the hardest, most rewarding, roller coaster job you will ever have. No pay, 24/7 on duty and at times it seems like with very little rewards. Being a parent has it's ups and downs, I wouldn't change my title as 'mummy' for anything in the world, however when this came through my in-box from a great friend it made me laugh (a lot!).
Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1.Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2.Leave it there.
3.After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1.Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2.Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3.Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2:Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10.Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children
1.Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2.Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5:Cars
1.Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2.Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3.Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4.Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5.Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going For a Walk
a.Wait.
b.Go out the front door.
c.Come back in again.
d.Go out.
e.Come back in again.
f.Go out again.
g.Walk down the front path.
h.Walk back up it.
i.Walk down it again.
j.Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
k.Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
l.Retrace your steps.
m.Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
n.. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping
1.Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2.Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3.Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9:Feeding a 1 year-old
1.Hollow out a melon
2.Make a small hole in the side
3.Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4.Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5.Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6.Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10:TV
1.Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2.Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11:  Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1.Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2.Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3.Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4.Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5.Drag randomly items from one room to another room & leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers
1.Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2.Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13:Conversations
1.Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2.Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14:Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2.Put on your finest work attire.
3.Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4.Stir
5.Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6.Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7.Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8.Do not change (you have no time).
9.Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!! 

  

93 comments:

  1. Hilarious!!! that's so true!

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  2. Made me laugh out loud! Very good :) x

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  3. This is very funny and had us all nodding along in agreement...

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  4. for a very brief moment I thought i wanted kids.. this has brought me straight back to reality.. i'll stick with the dog, thank you!

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  5. but still worth it...

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  6. This is hilarious! This is basically my life ;)

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  7. shocking! I have a child through fertility treatment and love spedning every minute with him. Obviously written by a parent who has no idea just how lucky they are. Utterly shocking!

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    1. Get over yourself. Obviously written by someone living in the real world. We all love our children to bits... but this is precisely what they really do. The author isn't saying anything derogatory about their child/children, just having a light-hearted look at some of the frustrations one goes through. Calm down.

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    2. Chill you're beans womens its a laugh! Obvousily no sense of humour! I have two kids and love them very much but who ever wrote this has mother hood spot on :)

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    3. I have a child through fertility treatment too, and she is the most awesome thing on the planet. she does, however, do all of the above. freaking hilarious article. don't be so po-faced, and please enjoy your long-awaited, longed for child.

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    4. Thats a very unfair comment. Having children through whatever means should not rid you of your sense of humour...lighten up because deep down...you know all of the above is true.

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    5. I had a ten year wait and a lot of heartache waiting for my gorgeous son, this is funny!!! It doesn't mean I don't appreciate him! Lighten up!!

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    6. I'm not lucky actually. Reproduction is a natural biological process, so technically, I'm not lucky or priveleged or in any way that warrants my eternal gratitude for the ability to give birth to my five gorgeous sons. It is you, who appears to be unlucky! And normally I do empathise with anyone in your situation, however to imply that I don't appreciate my children as much as you do just because I got to make them without any assistance other than from my husband is just f###ing rude isn't it?

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    7. lighten up

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    8. Lighten up stop being bitter about how you had to conceive and see the humor that was intended .....geeeez

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    9. she's a he - cant spell and he's trolling
      forget the fertility treatment he needs a lobotomy

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  8. ^^ I think it's supposed to be tongue in cheek. Might be worth unclenching!

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  9. How unfortunate that your fertility treatment also stripped you of your sense of humour

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  10. So funny and true.
    To Anonymous above.
    I liked slowing down and being asked the questions and seeing the world in a different way. I took photo's of the complete and utter mess when being helped with baking. I enjoyed washing up would take 10 times longer and even then you'd have to sneak in and do it again.
    I did spend 24 hours in a day awake with my child and then the next day started.
    I learnt how to ask for help. I learnt that the new carpet would change colour very quickly no matter how careful you were.
    Since having a child I have laughted more, learnt more and had to change.
    I see some people who struggle with that change, if you know what is coming it is easier to adjust.
    Plus what happens if your child has a disability, even the above is a walk in a park and longed for

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  11. Brilliantly funny!

    They forgot to mention how romantic weekends away disappear, to be replaced with trips to theme parks where you are surrounding by toddlers in various stages of meltdown.

    The days of travelling light are also gone when you have to carry huge bags full of multi-coloured plastic stuff everywhere.

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    1. The horrors of nappy changing should be in there too! ;-)

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    2. when you say nappy do you mean cloth or disposable?

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  12. Too funny, totally agree but wouldn't change it for the world! Best adventure ever x

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  13. This is great, thank you, very amusing, can I ask, as a father, is this for the first, second, third, fourth or fifth child or all of the above?? From ,my perspective, lots still apply but they still suprise us each and every time...

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  14. Bull***t. I have a sense of humour and yet I agree 100% with the lady who found this offensive. I think this cutsey "oh my kids are such monsters" attitude is just there to make up for bad parenting. Kids are never that out of control if you know how to communicate with them. I have fun with my kids, they seem happy and well adjusted and yet they never torture me or wreck the house.

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    1. The blog is about toddlers.. Where in the it did it say about kids being out of control..

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    2. I notice how you say they SEEM happy and well adjusted.Are you not certain? You also say I have fun with my kids...not my kids have fun!

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    3. There is nothing offensive about this. I have two kids 17 and 14 and although not everything listed was typical of them as toddlers the majority was. They are two fantastic kids with a brilliant sense of humour and find this post hilarious too. It's like a stand up comedian doing a joke about mother in law/ kids/ wife etc, it's not 100% accurate but most people can relate to the joke. Chill out, life's too short to be serious about something that is meant in such a light hearted way.

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    4. Sorry, you are just wrong. You do not have a sense of humour. What you appear to have is a sense of pretentiousness. 'Tis a big fall you might take from that high horse you're on right now! My kids are monsters, beautiful, happy little mess makers and I love it. My oldest and possibly the ring leader of the most serious destruction in his toddler years, has been INVITED to attend not one, but THREE of the top five universities in the WORLD to study medical science. He hasn't finished high school yet. I have three more children who are just like him too - must be from all that bad parenting, I feel so terrible for allowing them to explore the world for themselves, what on earth will become of my overachieving, highly intelligent, caring, happy children when they have to go out into the world and deal with people like you? Well, like me, they'll probably laugh about it!

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    5. what a drama about a funny and true article!! some people really need to lighten up!!

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  15. No, I don't think you do have a sense of humor. Or a grip on the real world. Yay for you that you have "perfect kids" however if other people's children don't live up to your standard don't blame it on "bad parenting" because chances are your parenting is not perfect either.

    "Test 2:Knowledge
    Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

    Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers."

    Seems like someone still thinks they have all the answers..

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  16. This really funny and I can see shades of my kids in a lot of this. they are missing one though:

    Have someone tell you repeatedly that that their children are perfect, brilliant, can read, write, long sums and olympic level gymnastics, hold adult conversations on quantum mechanics while solving world hunger, and generally better than your kids, while their children are behind them running wild, kicking puppies, starting fires, stealing cash from their purse and generally behaving in way that would scare a squad of UN peace keepers!

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  17. Chillax peeps it's meant to be a light hearted take on parenthood .. To be honest I don't think harsh enough .. Definately missed the lack of sex life. Privacy having a wee//bath/telephone conversation..love my kids n grand kids to bits but you have to laugh at the crazy things kids make you do...

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  18. Whew! The tears are streaming! I was laughing out loud so hard my 12 yr old asked why. I read her some. She understood quite a bit as she has siblings age 4,3, and 3.5 month. Thanks for sharing!

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  19. Made me laugh very loudly at 4am while trying to feed a 3 month old, knowing very well I'll be up at 5:30 (if lucky) again! Oh wait! she's just about asleep in my arms... So there may be no 'waking up at 5:30.

    May I add to the dressing bit, slip the octopus in when you've been sleep deprived 3months now.. So simulate by being so drunk you can't stand straight?!

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  20. Even the best brought up children have bad days and you've put those bad days together in such an outrageously funny way.

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  21. depending on how you bring your children up reflects their behaviour, teach your child/ren right from wrong and love them unconditionally .... enjoy :-) (Natalie Cole- Proud mummy of 1yr & 4yr old)

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  22. Soo funny, as a mother of two and feeling broody since my youngest has passed baby stage it brought me right back to the beginning again! Well worth it but very true. No matter what some people say, the mothers/fathers who tell the truth about child rearing only help the sanity of other mums/dads who are going through this. It helps you to feel you are not alone. Well done, people should be this honest and not feel bad about it!! Perhaps the perfect mother above should start a university for childrearing as she obviously knows some tricks the rest of us dont!! ha ha.

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  23. This isn't about bad parenting. If anything, it's about how patient, as parents, we are.

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  24. Excellent stuff, brings back many memories. :-)
    However, test 11 step 5 is still a valid point for my 19 year old!

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  25. I just laughed so hard the people in the office started asking me if I was OK and bringing me glasses of water.

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  26. Fantastic, hilarious, true!

    This is in no way offensive. Ignore anonymous (what an idiot)!

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  27. The funniest thing ever. Although each to their own. However, the point about babies being awake all night is completely true and however amazing parents think their new skills are, this is one thing that does not happen! Along with trying to get toddler/babies dressed!!! My children do most of these things, and yes they are well behaved but here's the big point - they have fun whilst they are learning!!! They stick their fingers in mud! They talk constantly and have fun asking questions, even though they have been asking the same 'are we nearly there yet?' question for 3 hours!! Toddlers cannot eat mess-free, however careful you tell them to be! They will spill things on the floor, on the furniture and on their parents! This was written just as it is being a parent!!! These things actually do happen!! It does not mean we do not love spending every minute with them, it doesn't mean that we don't miss them when they are not with us and above all, we love them as much as any other parent loves their children and it is the same love - unconditional. So I'm sorry but although some people disagree with this piece of writing and think that if this happens to 'out of control' children - B*LLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

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  28. Most points are untrue in my case (great sleeper and that) but what a great laugh!!! and just because it did not happen to me - trust me it did happen to my friends and I am only waiting for my share of frustration.
    Just because you laugh out loud reading this, or shed a tear because it's soo true - it does not mean you love your children any less. So enjoy and do not be condescending to other parents. At the end we're all in the same mess together.

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  29. Wow there are some people out there with poles up their arses! It must be hard pretending parenting is perfect, your children are perfect, and every single thing to do with raising kids is perfect. Raising kids is wonderful, but it does have it's stressful/hair pulling moments-unless of course you happen to be one of the humourless posters above! Did you know that one of the best things in life to do is to not take things so seriously?? So all these funny little tongue in cheek things about having kids is actually looking at some of the harder aspects of parenting with humour. Instead of acting like a martyr, or thinking that because your kids came with the help of IVF you love them more, so therefore can't take a serious thing and add a bit of humour to it, maybe try and turn those little stressful moments into something to giggle about. Oh wait. Do IVF mothers not get stressful moments? I have friends who went through the heartache and immense stress of IVF, though thank god they have retained their humour and honesty!

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  30. IVF parents are no different to any other, we've had IVF and yes these babies are very special to 'us' but you 'anonymous' are implying that we love our kids more than those that didn't have fertility treatment. What a load of tosh. Some people really need to chill! I think this piece is absolutely hillarious, I almost pissed myself with my terrible pelvic floor lmfao!
    I do have very well behaved children but I can sooooo relate to many of the article's points. I'm sure even the Queen can relate to this so get your head out your arses.

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  31. Hysterical, and as a mother of four and grandmother of soon to be five I think this is spot on for many families. I am a professional childcare expert and I often mention incidents like these in my training courses. They provide humour but are also true for many. I don't get why IVF should mean a person would love their children more. The stress a person who goes through IVF suffers would perhaps make them see things more seriously but PLEASE see the funny side!!! If not Anonymous is in grave danger of dying from ulcers and not seeing her perfect, most loved and valuable child grow up!

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  32. hahaha so funny and hilarious, I really enjoyed reading every step. I have few nieces and this is exactly how it goes with them.

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  33. So so Very true!!!! As a mummy of 4, you have just summed up the last 10 years of my life!!! You now need to do the next step....'The Teenage years!!' I will soon be needing some advice for this stage and something to hopefully help me laugh my way through that bit too!! XX

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  34. To anonymous above - yes, maybe I was secretly smug with my 'text-book' number one, but wait for number two. How different can two children be from the same parenting techniques! Oh, by the way, number one gave back every bit of 'perfection' during later teenage years whilst number two turned out to be a beeze!! Don't attribute tooo much to your handling - kids have their own personalities

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  35. The Preparation section forgot to include the following: at 6 months put a stick under your sheet to mimic the fact that you'll not find a comfortable position to sleep in for the next 3-3.5 mos -- then see the "sleep" section for the reason why you won't be sleeping through the night for the next 6-9 months after that!

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  36. Is it wrong of me to say I wish I'd read this three and a half years ago. I do love my son, I really do but...

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  37. All those getting in a tizz about how THEIR children are a joy that slept through from 2 days and never made a mess and are the BEST thing ever to happen...and congratulating themselves on enjoying EVERY second of the roller coaster that is parenting, are kind of missing the point. It's a piece of entertaining writing ...remember the adage ...'never let the truth get in the way of a good story'.
    Lighten up and laugh for goodness sake !

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  38. Love this post - so very true ;)

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  39. I want to laugh, but this is all so true.

    Brilliant.

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  40. Complete rip off - this was published by Rob Parsons - I saw it about 15 years ago

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    1. From above header: I wouldn't change my title as 'mummy' for anything in the world, however when this came through my in-box from a great friend it made me laugh (a lot!).

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    2. you obviously didnt read the introduction.

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  41. Add the live octopus to the sleeping part and you have my son on a bad night lol.
    As parents, we have to laugh about how our kids are as youngsters, my son's 15 months and I love him to pieces, but he is all the above except the sleeping part lol.
    Although a live octopus might be easier to dress :p

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  42. Yep, validated my reasons not to have children!!! i think ill stick to just having the dogs. at least you can leave them alone in their room alone while you go to the shop.

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  43. So funny! Made my day. X

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  44. I can identify with every bit of it. I had twins!!! They are 6 now so getting a bit easier

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  45. Hilarious. I read it twice. Its so true!!

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  46. Now do the positive crazy stuff too - dance round the kitchen, wearing nothing but your underwear, combining the actions from all known folk dances and a bit of moshing. etc I regularly do this with my kids now, I'm sure my dancing is far more interesting as a result.

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  47. lol funny shit!

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  48. Haha this is too funny!!

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  49. I'm glad we got a cat instead.... ;)

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  50. Lol awesome :-) I have a 25 month and 10 month old... my eldest loves to empty all the drawers :-) :-) my youngest likes to pull all the toilet paper off the rolls...lol

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  51. Hilarious and anonymous get a life,
    test 5 cars- should have 6. a sign on car saying "Council Tip Waggon"

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  52. brilliant! really funny, and so comically true. i'll be able to laugh about some of the things i'd become too uptight about, now! i thank you. my children thank you!

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  53. I read this with a great sense of relief! I'm not the only one who thinks this about my kids. I love my 2 and 5 year old girls very much but cant remember the last time I slept for longer than 4 hours in a row. Mmmm lie in......! What did my house look like pre children? I cant remember!Children bring much joy and mess in equal amounts in my experience and you cant help loving them for it no matter how fustrating and exhausting it can be. I think parents supporting each other with some humour is infinitely more positive than entering into competition about who has the best behaved children, who's the best parent or who loves their kids the most. Thanks for the lighthearted peek into parenting!

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  54. Brilliant article! Only missing the "leave the toilet door open at all times so you are available to answer questions about metaphysics; do ad hoc peacekeeping negotiations; and receive gifts of dismembered beetles while changing your tampon"

    The best thing about them growing up is being able to poo in private again... :D

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  55. omg..this is funny!!! I had four children, all under the age of 5 and a half. Oh can you imagine the fun i had, all of the above x 4. This is tongue in cheek fun, talking people who don't have children about the joys of parenthood.
    I can also tell you as a qualified nursery nurse and experienced mother, that ALL children do these things, not because they are 'out of control' but because they are exploring the world around them and learning about life.
    To the person who conceived her child through IVF... I have a friend who cannot conceive naturally and has been through and failed at IVF treatment, but she found this funny. Really, do you think if someone wanted a baby they would let this stop them???

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  56. Kids make mess, can frustrate you and they are expensive. This article highlights this in a humorous way. You'll always get one person who gets a bee in their bonnet about these things and they are normally the ones who end up with unruly teenagers! I know this from working in social care for 15 years.

    A lovely laugh out loud article. Wonder who the original author is? Anyone know?

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  57. Oh yes, all true but it was the best thing I ever did (4 times) until I became a grandmother. Oooooh, so much better.

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  58. Hi guys! loved it.
    I would like to say the following to the lady who complained/did not get the funny side (IVF): my daughter was brain damaged at birth by the hospital. She is extremely severely disabled but I love her to bits. I love children and it's amazing to see them developing in life.
    Even if it certainly was not a walk in the park for you, you have been lucky that your IVF worked. Some parents have tried for years and they have not been able to conceive. I think you have been through a lot but please, just enjoy your life, your chance! This post was hilarious and I can relate to it despite being in a different situation. I wish you all all the best! Let's smile!

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  59. I've got a three year old, a 1 year old and a 2 month old.

    None of these things have happened to me. Teach your child some boundaries and respect; you might have an easier time.

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  60. So many recognisable bits in here from my little one... especially randomly dragging possessions around the house. Never fails to amuse me where he manages to put some things.

    We have to take parenting with a pinch of laughter otherwise it would be no fun at all and this raised a well needed smile this morning!

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  61. Unfortunately, I was the mother with the perfect son, slept through from a week old, never cried, never whined, but I can relate to a lot of this, the constant questions and getting them dressed. A fabulous article, SO funny. I'm now expecting my second and after having such a well behaved baby the first time around, I know my second will have aspects of EVERY point above. So funny, and yes, I know how lucky I was the first time around!!

    To the complainers - HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR, IT'S CALLED COMEDY!!!

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  62. How hilariously true the hater that had the IVF needs to get a life and accept facts we all love our babies more than words can express this is reality not bad parenting not a result of poor boundaries just kids being kids love it !

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  63. haaaa why so serious...parenthood is bittersweet...why the discussion suddenly leads to IVF vs non-IVF?? have some laugh laaa...

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  64. I have 3 kids and two grandkids and all the above I just plodded through, however its the backchat that winds me upto point of screaming, very true to what all my kids have done

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  65. There are some funny points definitely but I sort of relate to some of what people have already said. No matter how 'perfect' your parenting or child/children some of these things WILL still happen! However, I have avoided the food everywhere...I taught my children to sit in one place whilst eating or drinking and if they won't sit simply remove the food or drink until they do! Simple boundaries help I agree...I can relate to the no sleep thing though, I think they were a bit out on the 5 years thing...5.5 years and still counting, one day I might get a run of full nights sleep!
    Good luck with the parenting everyone!

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  66. Buy a condom instead...

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